PIVOTING

 PIVOTING

Hello. The world is in chaos and I'm writing. I haven't logged on in YEARS. I miss this, but I admit, I've been scared to face the keyboard and let my thoughts pour. 

How Are You????

When I was driving home tonight, after engaging in enlighting conversations, I was cursing out loud. I won't repeat the exact words but somehow, someway, the curse words changed to the phrase... 

"That's what I do. PIVOT."

Normally, on a night like this, when my emotions are at an all time high and my mind is moving like a bullet train in Tokyo, I'd be dancing by myself. I don't know why this evening, now early morn, is different. 

I've been hesistant to share. The judgement can be harsh. I'd rather live my life as I wish and carry on. I can't even begin to divulge the life experiences that have wrapped me up and spit me out, as I've navigated the art of Pivoting.

I actually decided to be scholarly and look up the definitation of "PIVOT." EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN DEFINITION MENTIONED THE WORD "BUSINESS" and NOT THE HUMAN SPIRIT. What is that? Our Psychology 101 college courses need to be edited, STAT! Immediately. For this is the only way we will survive this trauma induced, chaos world is by learning how to PIVOT.

I can't spill my secrets on my approach to writing but I can share, right now, I'm breaking every rule. To survive, we must learn how to analyze and realize when it's time to turn around, touch your toes, do jumping jacks, maybe a burpee or two, to impress yourslf, and of course, add a push up, and run a mile,  mixed into the spontaneous routine of life.

Be strong. Be confident. Know right from wrong. 

But in a chaotic, mixed up message filled world, your head can begin to spin. And then you just want to freeze and do nothing. It's like you are stuck in a pile of concrete and you want to move but you can't. The situation seems hopeless.

How Are You?

I've experienced SO MUCH TRAUMA in my life that very few know about. And just when there was a light guiding me, in the direction of everyday happiness, one of my best friends disappeared without a trace, the world shut down, my dad died, my chronic/fatigue invaded my body with a vengeance, and I've been on strike for, let's see...95 days. And that's just what I've personally had to sort through, dig myself out, and PIVOT. 

The world is a mess right now and each day, I try my best to navigate positivity and joy, but it is really (curse word) hard.  You lnow that my husband dosen't like it when I swear. But when I'm angry or upset, I give myself permission.

I want you to know that you can PIVOT too. Practice the art of pivoting everyday and your days will begin to feel differently. You will slowly, but surely, rise from the aftermath and do better in this world, after absorbing the grief that engulfs each and everyone of us, thrashing your emotions, and trying your best to comprehend the reasoning behind the unnecessary suffering. This is why I was never the scholarly type.

I never said, ignore. 

Repeat after me "I can PIVOT."

But HOW? You have a voice, you can listen, you can advocate, you can stay still and meditate and empathize, you can be a changemaker, a fundraiser, or a donor. Just don't stay still in the concrete.

That is all. 

Good Night.

Wake Up.

Go PIVOT.

The Pretending Game

Surprisingly! Somehow, someway, my blog is being viewed, all around the world! To be honest, I've had writer's block for quite some time. I'm not sure why and I thought it would magically disappear but to my dismay, it stayed.
So here I am, typing at a keyboard for the world to see what words will appear...
I'm not your typical writer and I acknowledge this in a world of predictability.
My daughter decided to go rummaging through a stack of old college papers. These are not ordinary, boring, college essays. She had leaped upon a pot of gold...my essays from years of my creative writing classes where I poured out my heart and soul. How I wish I could unload such honesty and emotion these days? As she read through my essays, I kept yelling for the world to hear "Oh my gosh, WHO wrote this?"
And it made me quite a bit sad because that piece of me has disappeared for quite some time. So, here I am, digging deep, and letting the words fly, as I type.
Honestly, if I tell the truth, the words hurt too much. Life has been good. And life has been a jack in the box. I wake up everyday, praying not to hear "please call me" from my Mom.
Father's Day was a bag of mixed emotions. I wanted to push the thoughts far away and tried to distract myself. Who am I fooling? My Dad is my Everything. I honestly don't know what will happen when he is no longer in this world. My world might go spinning out of control. I've warned my husband. I'll need an anchor. I'll want to run. I'll probably start running ultra's again. When I'm in the woods, I have this feeling of being one with nature, a certain calmness takes over me. Even when I'm lost in the woods and have no idea where I'm going, I always end up heading the right way.
My Dad has Lewy Body dementia and it's absolutely devastating. I wish my parents hadn't moved away. I wish I was closer to help my Mom. I think about her everyday and all that she is going through. I have flashbacks of that tearful moment with my Dad, visiting with my kids, and me, and my husband, and I knew, that he knew, deep inside his mind, who we were and the flashbacks of soccer games, basketball games, band concerts, and family celebrations. The tears are endless. A sort of traumatic grief of losing a wonderful man to a dreadful disease that robs your mind and body.
Honestly, it is hard to express the rage I feel. I want my Dad back. If only I had known the brief window of time we had, I would have relished all those moments spent with him. I can't even begin to explain how sad I am. And if you see me, you might never know, because I hide it well, and carry on.

REMEMBER EVERYTHING....it's not fair

I write as I run. My thoughts are a million miles a minute, Here they come...
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I've been so silent for so long. Because I knew the emotions would absolutely flood me.


And now here we are.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Hello. Wake Up. No One EVER said life would be fair. SO GRIN and Bear it.

Yesss....I stay silent as I scream to the moon.

I wish I could write more often. I wish I could just sit here and spill all my thoughts to the Universe, Could you imagine how freeing that would be??????

My life chases me.

There are so many thoughts I kick around in my chaotic mind

OKay,,,,give me a moment here, as I breathe....

Spinning, endlessly, amongst the boundaries of the Universe.

I'm constantly wondering
But my thoughts remain within myself.

And now it's a new song
AND I DANCE

Yes, I loose myself.
Into the music I go.
Escape
Spinning, Moving, Not Being Still
Because
then I would have to remember...

life is about living in the moment..
HA! SO CLICHE'

Blink
Don't Open Your Eyes.
FRozen
In Time.
Don't Ever, Ever
WHAT DID YOU DO??

I told You.
Close Your Eyes.
Close Your Eyes.
Close Your Eyes.

HOLD ON
EMBRACE
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING
RIGHT NOW

REMEMBER
EVERYTHING

IT ALL COUNTS.