Monday, June 17, 2019

The Pretending Game

Surprisingly! Somehow, someway, my blog is being viewed, all around the world! To be honest, I've had writer's block for quite some time. I'm not sure why and I thought it would magically disappear but to my dismay, it stayed.
So here I am, typing at a keyboard for the world to see what words will appear...
I'm not your typical writer and I acknowledge this in a world of predictability.
My daughter decided to go rummaging through a stack of old college papers. These are not ordinary, boring, college essays. She had leaped upon a pot of gold...my essays from years of my creative writing classes where I poured out my heart and soul. How I wish I could unload such honesty and emotion these days? As she read through my essays, I kept yelling for the world to hear "Oh my gosh, WHO wrote this?"
And it made me quite a bit sad because that piece of me has disappeared for quite some time. So, here I am, digging deep, and letting the words fly, as I type.
Honestly, if I tell the truth, the words hurt too much. Life has been good. And life has been a jack in the box. I wake up everyday, praying not to hear "please call me" from my Mom.
Father's Day was a bag of mixed emotions. I wanted to push the thoughts far away and tried to distract myself. Who am I fooling? My Dad is my Everything. I honestly don't know what will happen when he is no longer in this world. My world might go spinning out of control. I've warned my husband. I'll need an anchor. I'll want to run. I'll probably start running ultra's again. When I'm in the woods, I have this feeling of being one with nature, a certain calmness takes over me. Even when I'm lost in the woods and have no idea where I'm going, I always end up heading the right way.
My Dad has Lewy Body dementia and it's absolutely devastating. I wish my parents hadn't moved away. I wish I was closer to help my Mom. I think about her everyday and all that she is going through. I have flashbacks of that tearful moment with my Dad, visiting with my kids, and me, and my husband, and I knew, that he knew, deep inside his mind, who we were and the flashbacks of soccer games, basketball games, band concerts, and family celebrations. The tears are endless. A sort of traumatic grief of losing a wonderful man to a dreadful disease that robs your mind and body.
Honestly, it is hard to express the rage I feel. I want my Dad back. If only I had known the brief window of time we had, I would have relished all those moments spent with him. I can't even begin to explain how sad I am. And if you see me, you might never know, because I hide it well, and carry on.