Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Believe...

I have started a thousand blog entries in the last month.  The problem is, they have all been when I am about to nod off to dream land or running a 5 miler, or simply day dreaming when I should have been focusing.
And here is the one day, when I have so much to say but want to be concise and not sure where to go with this??
so hang on, don't walk away, I think my message will shine through the many thoughts I have...
Today is my Birthday.  A Day to Celebrate. Be Free. Be You. Have Fun.  Smile.  Enjoy the Sunshine.  Even if you are in a crappy place, you must go on and celebrate that very one God Given Moment because if you don't, you will blink, and then it will be G O N E.
Call me a drama queen, over reactive, whatever.  All I know is this one thing.  One day I woke up and that it was ALL OVER.  I fought.  I believed.  I never lost my Faith. And I was scared. I still am not completely 100% percent sure W H Y ME??  Maybe I said THANK YOU but never truly APPRECIATED??
I think to understand what it means to "suffer" is when you will arrive at a place in your life when your breathe in every sunrise, every sunset, every beautiful moment, the good, the bad, the ugly.  You treat everyone with respect, you don't distinguish who is better than you, you just move along and get to know every interesting fact about everyone you meet.  You are here for a purpose.  A purpose that may not be clear for awhile...
As I sat in that hospital room, aching for the loss of my son, I was drifting.  My grief overshadowed any hope and I was not sure what tomorrow would bring.  It was unsettling.  I had no idea if I would ever have a family.  And my birthday wish in 2001 was to have a healthy pregnancy.  The losses were too much.  I was scared.  I knew I had a health condition and I would be high risk.  For SO MANY YEARS, this was my birthday wish.  Over and Over again.
And here I am, I woke up today, and I have beautiful ten year old twins and a seven year old daughter and 3 babies who are in Heaven.
I have dedicated each day to my babies.  I am fierce, I am strong, I take the extra time to teach them from right and wrong, I always have to know where they are and if they are out of harm's way.  I cannot even think of the UNIMAGINABLE.
This is why my job as a trauma social worker was SO difficult.  All those child cases when you would want to scream and pound the walls and question Above "W H Y??" Sometimes, I would drive home crying and scoop my babies up and promise to protect them forever.  But as a parent, we can only do this for so long.
What I have learned, is that RIGHT NOW is all that is guaranteed.  My life has been filled with much sorrow but also with surmountable happiness.  I know I am strong, I will rise when I am down, and I will continue to spread goodness into the world.  There is so much more to come and I am a willing and waiting participant to this thing called L I F E.
I will hang on, suck the breathe out of it, and experience it EVERY CHANCE I GET.  I don't know how to say "No."  I want to do it ALL.  And it can be Exhausting.  Especially when you have chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia, and Lyme Disease, but I don't know my limit because I just keep pushing and pushing, absorbing EVERYTHING I can.
Birthday Blessings.  So many of them.  Be thankful Every Day.  Believe in the Power of Every Moment.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/AFitzgerald3

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