Monday, September 8, 2014

Ten Random Thoughts before finding my pillow...

1. My 11 year old daughter still calls me "Mommy" (and my heart melts every time).

2. The same daughter told me today that she has never heard me curse. I'm not a saint and I'm not sure how I managed to pull this off??

3. Tonight, my 8 year old daughter hugged me spontaneously and said "Thank you for making dinner" instead of asking me for an animal jam gift card which has been the topic of conversation for the last 48 hrs.

4. My 11 year old son still lets me hug him every night. I know my days are numbered on this one.

Summer days in the OBX

5. I have to peek in my kids bedroom and see them sleeping EVERY night before I go to bed. This is what happens when you have three preemie babies and work in the NICU/PICU/emergency department for 11 years. As a new Mom, I was terrified they would stop breathing and now it has become a ritual. What will I do when they go to college?

6. Life is incredibly hard. The trick to enjoying it is to let go of your past because you cannot change it, relish the moment your in, no matter how ordinary it is, and remember there is a tomorrow, to start all over again.

My beach babies = Pure Joy

7. Wouldn't it simply be incredible if we were all truth tellers for one day? The rules would be: no judging allowed, count to ten before interrupting and practice listening. I believe we all have something to learn from each other. It would be a wondrous day of love and acceptance.

Family Photo with King Neptune, Rock-n-Roll VA Beach Half

8. Conversations should consist of idea's, dreams, accomplishments, hardships, or obstacles that you have overcome (or currently enduring). Gossiping about others never inspired anyone.

9. Volunteer, organize a fundraiser, donate to charity, and make sure others know your passion. Passion is contagious and is what changes the world.

10. Always tell someone that you respect them, admire them, appreciate them, love them...that chance may never come again.

Me and my Love

~ Sweet Dreams ~

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Humpty Dumpty

The transition has been difficult. Alarm clocks buzzing as they interrupt dreams, 3 blonde haired kids slumping into the kitchen as one frantic Mama makes lunches, and storms everyone out the door. Once everyone is in the car, the kids pick up on the urgency for the light to turn green so they won't be tardy. They sing a chorus of "Turn green. Turn green. Stay green. Stay green..." They arrive at school just in time before the tardy bell. 

I drive home feeling accomplished and recall my growing to do list and ponder what I will tackle. Or maybe I'll blow it off and work on my health instead so I can be glistering in sweat? I do have a marathon on my calendar that will be here before I can tie my running shoe laces in a double knot. 

But instead, I sit. I soak in the silence. I really don't do much but catch up with my friends on social media as I marvel in all their amazing accomplishments. It is the first time, in a long time, that I have felt like an outsider to all of this awesomeness. I want to be out there doing things too but my mind and body threw me a curve ball after running the hottest and most humid 13.1 ever. 

I survived. And didn't end up in the medical tent. But the truth is, I have been feeling exhausted, a bit melancholy, ever since. I have no desire to do much of anything but sit here and rest. 

I am SO Tired.

My chronic fatigue medicine is not helping, I haven't had the energy to exercise, I can't decide what project to tackle first, I have a terrible case of writer's block, my blog posts that I need to write are stacking up, and I'm certain I have a case of runner's block, if there is such a thing. My mind and body are stuck.

I am not depressed. I want to do so much but I simply can't.

I'm in Lyme limbo.
I did this to myself, going a hundred miles a minute this summer. Scratch that, like in the last year. Lately, I feel like I've fallen and can't get back up again. I am the energy maker, the go getter, the spontaneous one, in our family. All that energy has gone out the window and I am feeling guilty seeing the sunshine peeking in, as my kids sit inside playing video games. 

"Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start all over again. I remind myself of this every night. It isn't easy living w/a chronic illness."

The above quote (my quote) is what I tweeted tonight. Not my usual happy go lucky self kind of post. But it is the truth. Chronic Lyme disease kicks me down when I'm not looking. There is no warning and it doesn't play fair. Every day I have to let go of so much. And I can't beat myself up on what didn't get done. That to do list will be there tomorrow. I know I will train for my marathon and for that JFK 50 miler ultra in November. I somehow always get it done and will cross the finish line. Right now, I just need to breathe. And rest.

Meanwhile, I hope my energy returns. I hope the annoying pain in my ankle goes away, I hope that I get my sparkle back on. I hope I find my mojo soon. Being Humpty Dumpty goes against my heart and soul. I am seeking patience and wisdom until all the pieces are put back together again.