Sunday, September 7, 2014

Humpty Dumpty

The transition has been difficult. Alarm clocks buzzing as they interrupt dreams, 3 blonde haired kids slumping into the kitchen as one frantic Mama makes lunches, and storms everyone out the door. Once everyone is in the car, the kids pick up on the urgency for the light to turn green so they won't be tardy. They sing a chorus of "Turn green. Turn green. Stay green. Stay green..." They arrive at school just in time before the tardy bell. 

I drive home feeling accomplished and recall my growing to do list and ponder what I will tackle. Or maybe I'll blow it off and work on my health instead so I can be glistering in sweat? I do have a marathon on my calendar that will be here before I can tie my running shoe laces in a double knot. 

But instead, I sit. I soak in the silence. I really don't do much but catch up with my friends on social media as I marvel in all their amazing accomplishments. It is the first time, in a long time, that I have felt like an outsider to all of this awesomeness. I want to be out there doing things too but my mind and body threw me a curve ball after running the hottest and most humid 13.1 ever. 

I survived. And didn't end up in the medical tent. But the truth is, I have been feeling exhausted, a bit melancholy, ever since. I have no desire to do much of anything but sit here and rest. 

I am SO Tired.

My chronic fatigue medicine is not helping, I haven't had the energy to exercise, I can't decide what project to tackle first, I have a terrible case of writer's block, my blog posts that I need to write are stacking up, and I'm certain I have a case of runner's block, if there is such a thing. My mind and body are stuck.

I am not depressed. I want to do so much but I simply can't.

I'm in Lyme limbo.
I did this to myself, going a hundred miles a minute this summer. Scratch that, like in the last year. Lately, I feel like I've fallen and can't get back up again. I am the energy maker, the go getter, the spontaneous one, in our family. All that energy has gone out the window and I am feeling guilty seeing the sunshine peeking in, as my kids sit inside playing video games. 

"Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start all over again. I remind myself of this every night. It isn't easy living w/a chronic illness."

The above quote (my quote) is what I tweeted tonight. Not my usual happy go lucky self kind of post. But it is the truth. Chronic Lyme disease kicks me down when I'm not looking. There is no warning and it doesn't play fair. Every day I have to let go of so much. And I can't beat myself up on what didn't get done. That to do list will be there tomorrow. I know I will train for my marathon and for that JFK 50 miler ultra in November. I somehow always get it done and will cross the finish line. Right now, I just need to breathe. And rest.

Meanwhile, I hope my energy returns. I hope the annoying pain in my ankle goes away, I hope that I get my sparkle back on. I hope I find my mojo soon. Being Humpty Dumpty goes against my heart and soul. I am seeking patience and wisdom until all the pieces are put back together again.  

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