Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Lost and Lonely

Do you ever wish you could stop time and be still for awhile? Relish the moment and take it all in?

Lately, my life has been topsy turvey and I feel pulled in so many directions, as my emotions are all over the place. I have to keep it all inside. Maybe one day I can share all these emotions with my family and friends? But right now, I feel very alone.

This is about raw truth. painful emotions, trying to find acceptance of the unknown. Have you ever been in that place, where you felt like no one could understand everything you are going through?

I have purposefully not been submitting for casting calls because I honestly feel like I will bust out in tears at any moment. I haven't felt this fragile in a long time. Maybe I should be looking for roles describing a "40ish woman who is on a soulful search."

How can life appear to be so good when so much is wrong?

You have to accept the goodness and be thankful for waking up to the sunrise each day. There is a college sorority sister of mine who may not wake up to see that awesome sunrise tomorrow. The news was delivered this week, on the birthday of a dear friend, who had passed away from the same exact illness. Breast cancer, spread to the lungs, and then to her brain. The nightmare is repeating itself.  

As your world collides, you have to put it all in perspective. You are not sure about the answers but you know your life is going to be different, from here on out. 

Sometimes, like tonight, I wonder how I got so lucky with my family? How did God know to match us up perfectly.and ever so, imperfectly? I was an orphan without a home and then I found my forever family, only later in life, to be blessed with my husband and kids and a rescue pup.

Life will never make sense, Life will never be fair. So when those ride them high wave days arrive, you have to savor every moment. The trick is stopping and looking around and seeing the simple things turn extraordinary.

I have been so consumed with grief and worry and a general sense of unhappiness that I feel like I have lost my way and I am desperately searching to find my way back. 

I am running. It is what I always do when I am searching for answers. But my body is all wacky and I don't know why? I am usually so in tune with my body and listen to it carefully. But I can't pinpoint what's wrong. I feel slow, dull, lifeless, with each step.  Maybe it's because I'm carrying so much extra weight on my shoulders?

The (Shamrock) marathon I'm running this weekend is kind of a big deal. It will be the longest I have ran since Marine Corps Marathon, October 2016. I don't want to finish in the back of the pack. I will try my hardest to run at the pace I'm supposed to be running. 

I will think of all those who cannot run and I will run for them. 

I will be thankful for each step. I will try to savor each moment and not focus on the pain. I will find my way again. It is guaranteed I will have a good cry after crossing that finish line. Only one small hurdle I will have accomplished. As the future will remain uncertain.


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